4.8 Document for Analysis: Improving the Tone of an E-Mail

4.8 Document for Analysis: Improving the Tone of an E-Mail Message (Objs. 3–5)
Your Task. Analyze the following demanding e-mail to be sent by the vice president to all employees. In teams or individually, discuss the tone and writing faults in this message. Your instructor may ask you to revise the message so that it reflects some of the writing techniques you learned in this chapter. How can you make this message more courteous, positive, and precise? Focus on conciseness, familiar words, and developing the “you” view. Consider revising this e-mail as a col- laboration project using Word’s Comment feature.
To: All Employees
From: B. A. Cartwright bacartwright@integrity.com> Subject: Your Excessive Use of E-Mail!
Cc:
Attached: E-Mail and Internet Policy
134The contract stipulates that management must perpetuate the retirement plan.
d. I’ll interface with Mark to access his people.
e. Unilateral nullification of the terms and conditions of the expiring agreement absent bona fide impasse is prohibited. (Legal talk!)

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